Zainab bint YounusMORE AND MORE awareness has been raised regarding the phenomenon of ‘marriage bandits’ – those men, often portraying themselves as ‘religious,’ who approach women with convincing proposals of marriage, charming them into shady arrangements resembling (barely) ḥalâl hook-ups rather than serious commitments. Shortly after, victims of these predators will find themselves used and abused, their Islamic rights disregarded, and their stories discredited if they try to come forward with what happened to them.
However, while keeping in mind that the blame for such abuse lays squarely on the shoulders of the predators themselves, we must also acknowledge that the women involved are individuals of agency.
It is undeniable that they are often vulnerable (especially new Muslims or those without a strong Muslim support system), but we must also recognize that at the end, the marriage does not take place without the consent of the women themselves. It is rare, if ever, that these marriages are ‘forced’ in the sense that these women literally have no choice whatsoever.
We women cannot act as though we’re completely helpless in these situations. There are certain measures that women should take as a matter of course to ensure their own safety. It is unfortunate that this is an issue that even exists – much like rape or domestic violence – but at the end of the day, it is a harsh reality that must be faced and which we should be prepared for. If we want to empower women to take control of their lives, we must be ready to take responsibility for the decisions we make as well.
That being said, what are the proactive measures women should take in order to not be as susceptible to the appalling schemes of marriage bandits?
Be Aware, Be Wary
If an individual approaches you for marriage – whether it’s someone famous or not – the first rule of thumb should be: be aware and be wary. Especially if it’s a well-known daʿi or influential individual in the community, don’t be star struck. Keep your wits about you. Maintain an attitude of professionalism at all times; don’t communicate with them privately, without your wali or someone you trust CCed at all times.
Don’t fall for flattery. Many women suffer from low self-esteem or have deeply rooted insecurities, and someone who provides praise and reassurance immediately gains their trust. Always remember that you should never base your self-worth and confidence on others’ opinions of you – develop your own self-esteem. Know that someone who is preying upon your fears or weaknesses is not someone who sincerely cares about you.
Know that just because someone is a shaykh or a daʿi, it doesn’t mean that they are perfect, that they practice what they preach, or that they are good husbands. They are human, they can be good and they can be bad, and even the good ones have flaws. Never allow yourself to be blinded by an idealistic fantasy of being “the Shaykh’s wife” – the reality is very, very different.
Simply put, don’t rush. Don’t advertise your insecurities or your loneliness in marriage advertisements. Do your research with your wali, and don’t be embarrassed to do a thorough background check, including finding out about past relationships and doing credit checks. If it is an individual who travels a lot, find out about places he has spent time in and try to find out what his history is in those areas.
Hold Your Wali Accountable
The concept of the wali – a guardian or helper – has unfortunately been maligned, minimalized, or abused amongst many Muslims. While a wali’s duty is to have the best interests of a woman at heart when seeking for a prospective spouse, it has become all too common for walis to fall into one of two extremes: either to be completely negligent, or to be unreasonable and entertain offers that only suit their cultural or personal biases.
Women need to be educated as to the Islamic reasoning behind having a wali – no, it’s not to reinforce the patriarchy, even if it is abused in that way – and seek out a good wali.
Ideally, the qualities of a good wali are that he is of both good religious practice as well as character (so obviously, not someone who outwardly looks religious but engages in abuse, financial fraud, or other distasteful and unethical practices); that he should not have a conflict of interest regarding the proposed marriage (i.e. he’s not the would-be-groom’s best friend); that he is sincere and truly cares about the woman’s best interests; and that he understands the seriousness of the responsibility. It should be noted that a wali’s role does not end upon the performing of the marriage contract; should any issues arise within the marriage, the wali should be present (or at least accessible) and ready to advocate for the woman.
One way to ensure that a wali will do his job appropriately is to have a way to hold him accountable. Should you get screwed over because you trusted the wali to do a thorough background check and he didn’t, you should be able to report his negligence to those who have some kind of authority or influence over him. Of course, this is easier said than done and impossible for some due to community politics and lack of accountability in our communities in general, but it is something that should be seriously considered before trusting any random Joe or brother Bilal to play such an important role.
Watch for Red Flags and Check Your Attitude
If the proposed arrangement is one that involves polygyny – and especially secret polygyny – then first of all, watch out for red flags. If he says that he needs to keep you a secret for his reputation, or because his first wife “can’t know just yet” – then know that he is being less than forthcoming, and that he cares more about his image and self-satisfaction than your well-being, or his wife’s.
Polygyny already has a horrific reputation in the Muslim community because of how terribly it is practiced – don’t perpetuate that nightmarish cycle. Insist on your right to have a recognized marriage, and to communicate with his first wife directly to ensure that she is aware of his actions and that you are not harming her with the decision to become a second wife. If he gets angry, upset, or defensive about this, then that is enough of a red flag – shut down the conversation and don’t look back. Lying and deception does no one any good, least of all you.
On the other hand, check your own attitude. There is a tendency for some people to paint all second wives as naïve victims, and while this is true in some cases, it is not true for all. There are numerous examples of women whose attitudes regarding polygyny are worrisome in and of themselves. “It’s my right to marry him,” is a common phrase, and “I don’t need the first wife’s permission.” If one goes in with such a callous perspective, then to be blunt, Do you really expect to be treated any better? If you are considering becoming a second wife, then know that your decision will directly affect another woman’s life and marriage. Live according to the principle of iḥsân (excellence), and you will receive such in return:
Is the reward for good [anything] but good? [Sûrat Al-Raḥmân, 55:60]
Being vague about mahr, or promising something like “I’ll teach you my knowledge” or “take you for Hajj” are also indicators of a lack of commitment. One of the wisdoms behind the mahr is that the woman has a financial fall-back to depend on, should things unexpectedly go sour; as such, don’t give into pressure that, “The most blessed marriage is the one with the smallest mahr.” Ask for a reasonable amount that will show that you’re serious and expect seriousness in return.
It cannot be emphasized enough that you need to take your time and do your part in vetting an individual for marriage. If someone is pressuring you to ‘hurry up’ or threatening to move on and speak to another woman instead, then know that you can do without such an individual.
Won’t Someone Think of the Children?
Among certain groups, there are women with children who take part in serial remarriage – with devastating consequences for the children. As a mother, you cannot make rash or weak decisions based on your immediate emotions. Your (re)marriage(s) will impact your children seriously, and often, not for the better. Making a mistake once or twice can, perhaps, be considered forgivable… but if you’re on round 3 or 4 and you’re still on the marriage carousel, going from one man to another, then the serious problem here is your poor judgment.
There are many, many, many cases of women who have made this mistake and whose children ended up scarred, traumatized, and more often than anyone would like, left Islam completely. Children are vulnerable and deeply affected by having men enter and leave their lives so abruptly even when the men themselves are good; but when those men are sociopaths, abusers, or just downright callous, the trauma of witnessing one’s mother (and themselves) at the mercy of these individuals can be overwhelming.
If you’ve already gone through a painful marriage and divorce, don’t rush into remarriage. Take time to heal, focus on your spiritual and emotional well-being, and that of your children. While marriage may seem like a quick-fix solution to financial or other issues, know that it is not always successful. It is far better for your – and your children’s – mental and spiritual health to seek long-term solutions involving counseling, education, building healthy support systems, and working towards financial stability. Again, this may be easier said than done, but it is also less likely to result in your children’s faith and psyches being damaged.
It should be noted that the above points do not necessarily apply to everyone’s situations. There will always be times when, despite one’s best attempts at precaution, predators will still find a way to weasel their way into manipulating and abusing others. In such cases, one should not be afraid to step away as soon as it’s clear what’s happening, and to report the individual to the authorities or those within the community who are likely to hold the person accountable and possibly prevent them from committing such abuse with others.
In conclusion, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to predator shaykhs and marriage bandits is to educate yourself, have self-respect, and be very, very cautious. Don’t be easily swayed by charm, false promises, and the appeal of fame. Know that marriage is a serious undertaking, a commitment that requires one to be educated about both one’s Islamic rights as well as real-life skills, and above all, sincerity. Place your trust in Allah and seek His guidance every step of the way.
Originally posted 2016-03-24 10:38:12.
34 Comments
Ismael Ibrahim
March 24, 2016 - - 11:10 amAmong certain groups, there are women with children who take part in serial remarriage –with devastating consequences for the children…. There are many, many, many cases of women who have made this mistake and whose #children ended up #scarred, #traumatized, and more often than anyone would like, #left_Islam completely.
Ismael Ibrahim
March 24, 2016 - - 11:10 amAmong certain groups, there are women with children who take part in serial remarriage –with devastating consequences for the children…. There are many, many, many cases of women who have made this mistake and whose #children ended up #scarred, #traumatized, and more often than anyone would like, #left_Islam completely.
Ismael Ibrahim
March 24, 2016 - - 11:10 amAmong certain groups, there are women with children who take part in serial remarriage –with devastating consequences for the children…. There are many, many, many cases of women who have made this mistake and whose #children ended up #scarred, #traumatized, and more often than anyone would like, #left_Islam completely.
Yasmin Rahman
March 24, 2016 - - 11:15 amسُبْحَانَ اللهِ an excellent article ??
Ayesha Nicole
March 24, 2016 - - 1:04 pmThe HEART Women & Girls Project
Ayesha Nicole
March 24, 2016 - - 1:04 pmThe HEART Women & Girls Project
Ayesha Nicole
March 24, 2016 - - 1:04 pmThe HEART Women & Girls Project
Sarah Louise
March 24, 2016 - - 1:43 pmWhich celebrity da’ees?? ?
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:08 pmDon’t want “secret marriages”? Then stop promoting the shunning of polygyny.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:14 pmI think it is a lot more complicated and nuanced than that. Especially in the US where it is illegal.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:29 pmThat is very interesting. I wasn’t aware that it had a cultural stigma outside of my own, Western culture. I agree with you, If it is the halal option it should not be stigmatized. But I think these men who manipulate women, esp. convert, who do not know their Islamic rights yet, to get involved in secret marriages hold a lot of guilt in these cases. It is an unfair power and knowledge dynamic and a lot of new Muslim women are being tricked out of their rights. That’s the part I can’t get down with because I have seen it destroy many new Muslimahs’ reputation, life and faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:48 pmThe sad thing is the ummah sets new converts up for failure because of the massive amount of pressures, racism and sterotypes we converts face. We generally aren’t faced with many options sadly. What’s worse is majority of Muslims disregard the shahada and still judge a woman on her past even after she’s started over. It’s even harder if you have children or are divorced/widowed. We are consistently overlooked and passed up for virgins with little regard to who Prophet Muhammad pbuh married.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:52 pmabsolutely! We need a revolution in the way we think of converts and women especially. It is insane some of the treatment we converts face from our own brothers and sisters in faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:08 pmDon’t want “secret marriages”? Then stop promoting the shunning of polygyny.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:14 pmI think it is a lot more complicated and nuanced than that. Especially in the US where it is illegal.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:23 pmIt’s only illegal if you become LEGALLY married to more than one woman. It’s actually perfectly legal to be religiously married to more than one woman. It boils down to culture vs sunnah. We (generalized) would much rather have our brothers or sons sin then bring embarrassment by being in a halal relationship with another wife. There are many, many, many examples that makes polygyny easy but if we do not want to upset culture we make polygyny nearly impossible based on unfounded “rulings” and judgements. Deen over dunya. This is an area that I am well studied on and I promote positive polygyny and moving away from culture’s opinions.
Shireen
September 25, 2017 - - 7:33 amSister Samatha, thank you! I’m happy to see your clarification is the general publics view on polygany, and also to point out of the subtle of this article in shunning polygany. There are many instances in polygny where the parties involved have no issues with each other but the community does. And the community becomes harsh in shunning the second marriage. There’s so much wisdom in our religion, if only people would take a step out of their emotional greed bubble and realize this.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:29 pmThat is very interesting. I wasn’t aware that it had a cultural stigma outside of my own, Western culture. I agree with you, If it is the halal option it should not be stigmatized. But I think these men who manipulate women, esp. convert, who do not know their Islamic rights yet, to get involved in secret marriages hold a lot of guilt in these cases. It is an unfair power and knowledge dynamic and a lot of new Muslim women are being tricked out of their rights. That’s the part I can’t get down with because I have seen it destroy many new Muslimahs’ reputation, life and faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:48 pmThe sad thing is the ummah sets new converts up for failure because of the massive amount of pressures, racism and sterotypes we converts face. We generally aren’t faced with many options sadly. What’s worse is majority of Muslims disregard the shahada and still judge a woman on her past even after she’s started over. It’s even harder if you have children or are divorced/widowed. We are consistently overlooked and passed up for virgins with little regard to who Prophet Muhammad pbuh married.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:52 pmabsolutely! We need a revolution in the way we think of converts and women especially. It is insane some of the treatment we converts face from our own brothers and sisters in faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:08 pmDon’t want “secret marriages”? Then stop promoting the shunning of polygyny.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:14 pmI think it is a lot more complicated and nuanced than that. Especially in the US where it is illegal.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:23 pmIt’s only illegal if you become LEGALLY married to more than one woman. It’s actually perfectly legal to be religiously married to more than one woman. It boils down to culture vs sunnah. We (generalized) would much rather have our brothers or sons sin then bring embarrassment by being in a halal relationship with another wife. There are many, many, many examples that makes polygyny easy but if we do not want to upset culture we make polygyny nearly impossible based on unfounded “rulings” and judgements. Deen over dunya. This is an area that I am well studied on and I promote positive polygyny and moving away from culture’s opinions.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:29 pmThat is very interesting. I wasn’t aware that it had a cultural stigma outside of my own, Western culture. I agree with you, If it is the halal option it should not be stigmatized. But I think these men who manipulate women, esp. convert, who do not know their Islamic rights yet, to get involved in secret marriages hold a lot of guilt in these cases. It is an unfair power and knowledge dynamic and a lot of new Muslim women are being tricked out of their rights. That’s the part I can’t get down with because I have seen it destroy many new Muslimahs’ reputation, life and faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:48 pmThe sad thing is the ummah sets new converts up for failure because of the massive amount of pressures, racism and sterotypes we converts face. We generally aren’t faced with many options sadly. What’s worse is majority of Muslims disregard the shahada and still judge a woman on her past even after she’s started over. It’s even harder if you have children or are divorced/widowed. We are consistently overlooked and passed up for virgins with little regard to who Prophet Muhammad pbuh married.
Islamwich
March 24, 2016 - - 2:52 pmabsolutely! We need a revolution in the way we think of converts and women especially. It is insane some of the treatment we converts face from our own brothers and sisters in faith.
Samatha Plunkett
March 24, 2016 - - 2:23 pmIt’s only illegal if you become LEGALLY married to more than one woman. It’s actually perfectly legal to be religiously married to more than one woman. It boils down to culture vs sunnah. We (generalized) would much rather have our brothers or sons sin then bring embarrassment by being in a halal relationship with another wife. There are many, many, many examples that makes polygyny easy but if we do not want to upset culture we make polygyny nearly impossible based on unfounded “rulings” and judgements. Deen over dunya. This is an area that I am well studied on and I promote positive polygyny and moving away from culture’s opinions.
Zeba Muhammad Usman
March 25, 2016 - - 5:18 pm?
Zeba Muhammad Usman
March 25, 2016 - - 5:18 pm?
Zeba Muhammad Usman
March 25, 2016 - - 5:18 pm?
Moied Ahmed
April 21, 2016 - - 10:24 amGive up this feminism feesabilillah! Allah has allowed us upto 4 wives in the Qur’an and an infinite amount of concubines.
Shakir
January 4, 2018 - - 3:26 pmArticles like this cause so much subtle harm, subhaan’Allah. The misguidance of this piece is so subtle and complicated I don’t know where to begin; you did not shun your desires, bitterness and arrogance when you wrote this piece. Allah knows all that you do.
May Allah forgive us, guide us, and help us to speak the truth or keep quiet. Ameen.
Optimistic
January 8, 2018 - - 12:17 amThis article I came across by chance, whilst researching Islamic parenting skills. I’m happy I did!
Just about two weeks ago, I had posted myself on a marriage website with the option of “maybe accept polygamy”, as the idea of such a relationship seemed like a good option for me, considering I have my son from a previous marriage that still required my attention (I understand the legalities of living in a Western country, its workable if you really don’t mind being the de-fact according to Law).
A week after I had signed up, I had already received 9 interests offering me the place of a 2nd wife. Hamdollah I thought… however within a few more exchanges of messages, I quickly began noticing a pattern. The pattern was that the ‘brothers’ and yes all of them “appeared’ to be ‘religiously inclined brothers’ told me the following:
1) They travel very often for their work
2) They ‘assumed’ that I wouldn’t want to relocate (interstate) due to my son’s schooling
3) They are happy that I have carved out a life for myself (being a professional)
4) They are heavily financially obligated to their families including their parents, wife and children (7 out of 9 stressed on this point)
Naturally, I was confused. When I said I’m open to a polygamous marriage, I meant that I’m happy to be in the exact same position as the first wife, except we are sharing a partner.
Unfortunately, only 1 of the 9 brothers had mentioned that his wife was happy about the situation. The rest wanted the 2nd marriage to be kept a secret.
If you work out the math, what exactly are you benefitting from such a union? If anything, you’re setting yourself up for great heartache.
Better to be single and patient, than entwined in a big mess.
God save us all.
yusra
February 2, 2018 - - 1:47 pmdon’t believe any website without doing your research first. like what the?